When in new situations with people; such as a new job, meeting a significant other’s family, or joining a sports team, we tend to put effort into fitting in and being liked. Conformity can feel safe, easy, and harmonious so we confuse it with a sense of belonging. When we hide who we truly are, we deny the world of our unique contributions. Some people think of it as selfish for not sharing our personal gifts. And conformity plays a number on our own confidence and esteem. True belonging means we can wholly be ourselves, and feel accepted for it. We have a basic human need to be authentic, so that we can be understood. And not only is it important to be truthful to ourselves, it’s also beneficial to cultivate it in the relationships we have, and the groups we are part of. Only then can we make genuine connections. A healthy skepticism toward how a group performs together, can help identify who is going along with “the way we’ve always done things,” and may not be sharing their unique strengths. Try shaking things up and experiment with ‘who’ contributes ‘what’. For instance, if one friend always makes the plans for the group, we could ask to plan the next one, or ask to take turns, and do something different. Or, if we have trouble expressing who we are in a group, we could set up a situation for one-on-one conversation, where it may feel safer for each person to be authentic. Some adaptation and compromise may be required, but if the group is not receptive to allowing real contribution from everyone, then it’s time to rethink the group.
Take action: It can be easier to catch yourself being inauthentic than recognize being real. Take note if you go along with things you don’t believe in. Do you say you’re fine when you’re not? Do you stand up for others who are being treated unfairly because of who they truly are? Once you’re aware, you can start to make a difference.
Inspired by G. Shawn Hunter’s book, Small Acts of Leadership: 12 Intentional Behaviors That Lead to Big Impact.
Some things are beyond our immediate control, such as the weather, the nature of the industry we work in, the times offered for our favorite fitness class, and other people letting us down. There’s not a lot we can do about these situations, yet we focus on them anyway. We allow these uncontrollable factors to become excuses for not living to our fullest. The worst part is that these components distract us from the matters we can control, such as, our preparedness, our creativity, and our ability to prioritize. A feeling of frustration is like a red flag being waved; it’s a key indicator of us focusing on the wrong factors. We need to pay attention to when we feel this way, especially if we find a recurring theme, and switch our thoughts to something more useful. For example, if we want to go on a hike with a friend, but it could rain, make a pact to go regardless of weather and be prepared with some rain gear. If we get caught in unexpected traffic on our way to a meeting, we can be creative about possible approaches to the situation. Maybe pull off the road and call in to the meeting, and then follow up with a 10 minute coffee regroup once we do get there. Or if obligations are pulling us in too many directions, instead of getting overwhelmed, we can prioritize what we value most, and let the rest go.
Take action: Next time you’re stuck in frustration mode, make two lists. One for the contributing factors you can’t control, and one for those you can. Consider where you’ve been spending most of your energy. If it’s on the wrong list, make a switch and refocus.
Inspired by Jason Selk, Tom Barton and Matthew Rudy’s book, Organize Tomorrow Today: 8 Ways to Retrain Your Mind to Optimize Performance at Work and in Life.
Willpower is like a muscle. It refreshes itself as we rest, starts off strong in the morning, and then gets weak and fatigued later in the day. If we want to accomplish a task that takes willpower and self-discipline, like most of our personal goals do, the best time is when we first wake up, or shortly after. It will be easiest if we perform the task before the demands of the day kick in, and tire us out. Exercise is a very common example of a willpower-requiring task, also studying, nurturing relationships, or meditating. That is, anything that doesn’t need to get done urgently, but is important to our life to be done regularly, or as a steppingstone to a greater achievement. Beware though, there’s societal pressure to get up early to accomplish these things. Success will only be accomplished if the body and mind are rested, by managing to get enough sleep. So if we want to use time in the early morning, is it possible to go to bed earlier, or take naps? (Naps even give us a second chance in the same day to get motivated again.) But, if that’s not feasible, then we can consider pushing back the start of our workday to accommodate the time up front to take care of our personal goals. Or, we could think of a creative way to switch our routine to make room for the things that require self-discipline first. For example, using a form of exercise for transportation to get to work, or by having a sit down family breakfast instead of leaving that bonding to dinnertime, or switching a coffee routine every morning to accommodate studying.
Take action: Decide on one thing that you’d like to accomplish, either regularly such as writing a journal, or as a stepping stone to a larger goal, such as learning a new skill. Now figure out how you can make it happen before your workday starts, in a sustainable, non-torturous way. Adjust your schedule for it, make it happen, tweak it as needed.
Inspired by Laura Vanderkam’s book, What the Most Successful People Do before Breakfast.
Some people get an icky sense when they think of persuasion because they associate it with manipulation, bullying, and coercion. True persuasion, however, is positive for both parties involved. The person who says, “yes”, should feel good about it because it’s in their best interest. If we’re the ones doing the persuading, we need to do it responsibly. We should make sure we’re asking for something that would benefit the other as well as ourselves. Then we need to appeal to them through their values; what’s important to them, not us. For example, let’s say we want our friend to come grocery shopping with us – people don’t need extra errands in their life so how do we appeal to their values? We might want to go to a high-end store because it has a great bakery, and we need a cake. But our friend doesn’t need cake and feels the store over charges. We know our friend values finding a bargain, so look into what deals the store is offering that day, or find a coupon for them for an item that they will want. Put the extra effort in to make the trip mutually beneficial.
Take Action: Know your audience – consider people you live with or work with who you often need to ask to do something. Figure out what their values are. Do they want respect, leadership growth, an easier life? Next time you want to ask them for something, see if it appeals to one of their values. If not, consider asking for a different undertaking or asking someone else.
Inspired by Bushra Azhar’s website, The Persuasion Revolution.
The majority of people think that they are above-average drivers. Often, when living together, both of a couple will think that they themselves do more than 50% of the housework. And of course, we are all better employees than most of our co-workers. However, none of these examples can be true, or the word “average” wouldn’t exist. It’s common though, especially in individualistic, Western cultures, to think this way. A self-serving bias means that we internalize our achievements, attributing them to our personal abilities, and place blame on external factors when things go poorly. We do the opposite when considering others imperfections. If they fail, it’s because they did something wrong, rather than dealt with a difficult situation. For instance, if we’re in a fender bender, it’s because the other person wasn’t paying attention and caused the situation, while we were driving perfectly. Being aware of our self-serving bias is important, so that we can curb our nature to judge others unfairly. But, the bias for ourselves is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps us build our self-esteem, boosts our confidence, and gives us security. So if we need to lift those attributes, then let’s go ahead and think that we are better than average people. However, if we’re at a stage of self-reflection for growth, then we need to get a more realistic self-analysis, to truly figuring out the areas we are actually better than average and where we struggle. Knowing most of us have some degree of this bias, means we’ll need to compensate for it by being more critical in our self questioning.
Take action: When considering others, flip it around. The next time something goes well for someone close to you, attribute it to his or her personal qualities such as hard work, perseverance and smart risk-taking. When things go poorly for them, question what external factors are an issue.
Inspired by verywell.com’s article, What is the Self-Serving Bias?
Our working memory can only process a small amount of information at a time. If we need someone to understand us, then we need to break down concepts, into easily digestible bits that will fit through the small-holed funnel that allows new information into our brain. If the receiver of the information is already familiar with the subject we are trying to explain, then they will be able to tap into their long-term memory to help them decipher what we are saying. Anything new, however, still has to go through that very small processor, called short-term memory. That’s why it’s important to selectively choose what we say, and prioritize the key concepts, over all that we could, or want to say. Focus on the quality of information over the quantity, and ensure it’s suitable for the listener’s level of understanding. Note how a ‘Ted Talk’ is only 18 minutes, purposefully kept short since the concept being explained is new to the audience. If it were longer, listeners would lose attention, and the message would be received in a fragmented way, instead of fully understood. Plus, associating the information with something that is already in the listener’s long-term memory will help, such as using a metaphor or an analogy. The long-term connection will act like a magnet and pull the new information through that processor funnel.
Take action: If explaining something new to someone, try breaking down the topic into chunks of information and only delivering what they need to know for the immediate future. You can always return to the subject once the first part has sunk into their long-term memory and they are ready to start processing again.
Inspired by Cliff Atkinson’s book, Beyond Bullet Points: Using Microsoft PowerPoint to Create Presentations That Inform, Motivate, and Inspire.
It’s so easy to get caught up in tasks that we think we need to accomplish to reach goals, and make those actions our focus. We say things like, “I want to have $1 million, so I need to get a high paying job, work really hard, scrimp and save, and invest wisely.” Alternatively, consider the mindset of someone who says, “I want to be wealthy, so that I can feel secure, take care of my family, experience the world through travel, and control my own work schedule.” Focusing on ‘what to do’ is not so inspiring; in fact it sounds somewhat dreadful. The latter focus, ‘who we want to be’, evokes more positive emotion, and is open to many different ways to achieve it. Having an image of our ideal self as our objective, will be far more meaningful than just a set of tasks, and will help keep us motivated to become it. If we focus first on, ‘who we want to be’ and set that belief as our goal, we can then start to figure out the “why” part of it, and use that as inspiration as we do what’s required to get there. Otherwise, we’ll limit ourselves to one path when there are actually many possibilities.
Take action: Start with an easy aspect of who you want to become. Let’s say you want to be a good friend to someone you care about. It will make you feel upstanding by being caring and supportive. Then think about how to achieve that, there are lots of ways. Do not limit yourself by setting a path for the “how” first, nor by getting stuck on set tasks. If one action doesn’t work out, find another that is also in line with being a good friend.
Inspired by Sonia Ricotti’s webinar, The Six-Step Simple Formula to Remove Your Hidden Money Blocks and Quickly Manifest Great Financial Abundance into Your Life!
There are no 100% true facts; there’s always an alternative possibility. There’s a factor of uncertainty that comes with all knowledge, even if it’s a very small component, and it’s that possibility that keeps scientists forever questioning an exploring. Instead of knowing something to be true, scientists and experts often refer to a very high level of probability. Uncertainty means that there is always a propensity to continue exploring, researching, experimenting and expanding our knowledge. We can learn a lot from these analytical principles, and apply it to our own lives. Just as social norms have grown past old “scientifically proven” facts –the world is flat, or the sun revolves around the earth – other social norms will in time, also be disproven. It’s not easy to differ in opinion from what’s common thought, but it’s important to continue to question the norm. It’s also very important to question what we are told if it doesn’t seem right to us, even if the so-called facts come from an authoritative figure. We need to challenge the status quo to progress, and sometimes to protect what’s important to us. Common thought often supports powerful groups with self-serving interests, cloaked as best for everyone. Dig deeper to find the probability level and trueness of so-called facts and explore alternative possibilities.
Take action: Don’t believe everything you hear, question the motives of the source of the information, and find out if there’s another point of view. Think for yourself, make your own decisions, and be like a child, continually asking, “Why?”.
Inspired by John Brockman, Khristine Huambo, and John Allen Nelson’s book, This Will Make You Smarter: New Scientific Concepts to Improve Your Thinking
Habits, reps and sets, rituals – the things we do on a daily basis, are the actions that define who we are. These actions are so completely integrated into our lives that they become ubiquitous and are often overlooked. Or because they can be small, they seem insignificant. However, since we do them repetitively, they are central in shaping who we are, who we become, and our overall identity. For example, a health enthusiast’s morning routine may include gulping down a glass of water, grabbing some protein and doing some exercise. A family person might wake up snuggling with kids, and follow that with jumping on the bed or a pillow fight. A businessperson might grab a coffee, check the stock market and read the news. It’s these daily routines, not just in the morning but through the whole day, that add up to our identity. So who do we want to be? What characteristics do we want to use to describe ourselves? Once we determine that, we need to make sure that our rituals match our self-characterization, and ensure that what we do consistently, lines up with our values and goals. If who we want to become is really important to us, and we adjust aspects of our daily rituals to align with the attributes of our ideal self, we’ll eventually be that version of us.
Take action: In general, what is your daily routine? Write it down and compare it with others. Find people who you want to emulate and get familiar with their rituals. Even see if you can spend some time shadowing them, and then take the aspects that fit your ideal self, and adjust your habits to head in that direction.
Inspired by Tony Robbins video, New Year, New You (2017 Motivation).
“Like attracts like”, is a term used to describe “The Law of Attraction” and how energy moves between people, enhancing an existing state of mind in one person, by connecting it with others that are feeling similarly. Here’s a clear example of this energy enhancement that we can probably all relate to: Let’s say we’re at a live basketball game, instead of watching it on tv. It’s so much more exhilarating to be with a crowd, building up that energy together. We put out our own excitement and receive more excitement from others. Our internal energy is intensified by the energy of people around us. This same concept also works on a smaller, more remote scale. For instance, perhaps we’ve experienced thinking of someone, and suddenly they contact us. Or, we feared a situation and suddenly our fear manifests into reality. Our energy goes to where we focus, and our internal thoughts can be brought into existence through our subconscious, and by what we radiate. Some people say our energy vibrates on specific frequencies that can align with others’ frequency to make a match. We may not fully understand yet how this energy transfer happens, but knowing it exists means we should make it work in our favour. It’s worthwhile to pay attention to the kind of energy we are putting out, knowing that we will attract more of it.
Take action: Is your internal dialogue attracting what you want in life? Are you saying you feel tired, stressed and worried and thus attracting more of the same? Or, are you excited, appreciative, and confident, finding yourself surrounded by others who enhance what you want to feel? Choose what energy you want to attract, say it out loud, and let go of what you don’t want.
Inspired by Florence Scovel Shinn’s book, The Game of Life and How to Play it.